Musings and Meanderings: Stupid Signs

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Stupid Signs

I just feel like sharing some of the weird signs I've seen while traveling. I saw this one at Faith Memorial Gardens (a graveyard) in Huntsville, Alabama: "Buy 3 spots get 1 free!" Now, just think about that. Let that sink in. What kind of a person would offer a promotion like this? What kind of a person would impulse buy four funeral plots?

I saw this sign at a highway construction area in Virginia. Now, track with me here, don't let me lose you. The sign had all these lights around the outside of it and it read, "Construction workers present when flashing."

I just sat there thinking, "That's the last thing I want to see."

And this one up in the mountains of Colorado: "In case of flood, seek high ground."
And this one on a gas station in Kentucky: "One Month Unlimited Tanning!"
And this one on the front door of a supermarket in Tennessee: "Push. Do Not Enter."

That last one's a very bad sign if you're schizophrenic. That, or maybe if you're a college philosophy professor: "What is the meaning of the push if you're not allowed to use it? If you're told to push the door, but have no purpose in the push, do you push it of your own free will? If so, why? If not, why not? Please write a 500 word essay on what the sign really means."

But my favorite of all time might just be the sign I saw a couple of weeks ago in Decatur, Alabama: "Decatur Radiator Service - The Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."

And then next to it, a sign that read, "Customer Parking in Rear."

A few more of my favs are on the right.

2 comments:

Aaron said...: I like your list, Steve. Can I add one of my own? There used to be a sign near Jonesborough with a large hand under the words: PHYSIC READER.

No wonder that business didn't last.; 6:46 AM
Daddy Raptor said...: I loved a billboard on the south side of Louisville that read:
"Dan's Tattoos - Done While You Wait!"; 11:57 AM

Some of My Favorite Movies (in no particular order)

21 Grams
Gone Baby, Gone (yes it's as good as the critics say)
Levity
The Human Stain
Cinderella Man (don't let the name throw you off, it's an amazing film)
The Painted Veil
Matchstick Men
Live Free or Die Hard (Yes!)
Rope
American Beauty
Garden State
The Shawshank Redemption
The Spitfire Grill
Enduring Love (stunning)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The Fugitive
United 93 and Bloody Sunday (both directed by Paul Greengrass. He's brilliant.)
The Princess Bride
The Mission
Speak
Maria Full of Grace
The Apostle
The Long Kiss Goodnight
The Ring
Flatliners
13 Conversations About One Thing
Wit
Saving Private Ryan
LOTR - Two Towers
Braveheart
Wicker Park
Enemy at the Gates
Frailty
Dead Poet's Society
Toy Story 2
The Patriot
The Passion of the Christ
Finding Nemo
The Matrix
X-Men 2
Closer
Babe
24 (who cares if it's not a movie, it's better than most of the ones out there)
Spiderman 2
Batman Begins
Star Trek - The Wrath of Khan
Clay Pigeons
Frequency
A Simple Plan
Running Scared
Blood Simple
Best Laid Plans
Silence of the Lambs
Aliens
Terminator 2
11:14
Seven
Raiders of the Lost Ark
The Sixth Sense
Minority Report
Magnolia
Memento
Tape
Water
Crash
House of Sand and Fog
The Fugitive
In America
The Hours
Blackhawk Down
The Game

Luxury Yachts and Starving Babies

Some thoughts on life

Aristotle was asked, “What things should an intelligent person acquire?”

He replied, “Those things which will swim with you when your ship sinks.”

--Translated from the Greek by Thomas Cleary

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The Mahabharata says, “Of all the world’s wonders, which is the most wonderful?

“That no man, though he sees others dying all around him, believes that he himself will die.”

-- Annie Dillard in For the Time Being

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"The unexamined life is not worth living."
-- Socrates in Apology

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“Let all that is not born of God within you die.”
-- Francois de Fenelon, mystic

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“Who is the authentic individual? One whose life, in the fruit of long silence, gains character and whose actions acquire the power to excite and arouse.”
--Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher

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“Never let success hide its emptiness from you.”
-- Dag Hammarskjold in Markings

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“We run carelessly to the precipice, after we have put something before us to prevent us seeing it.”
-- Blaise Pascal, 17th century philosopher and mathematician

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“Therefore I lie with her, and she with me,
And in our faults by lies we flattered be.”
-- Shakespeare, Sonnet 138

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“What better gift can you give yourself than to arrive in the present moment?”
-- Natalie Goldberg in Thunder and Lightning

Armchair Interview with Steven James on his thriller The Pawn

1. Where did the idea for The Pawn come from?
The idea for The Pawn grew out of the question that I began to ask myself, “What makes me different from a serial killer?” I’d been researching cults at the time and the two things converged and I ended up including both the killer and the cult in the end.

2. Patrick Bowers is such an intriguing character. In the book we see how brilliant he is as an FBI agent, yet his personal life is a mess. For example, Patrick has an uncanny ability to get into the minds of criminals, yet he can't remember when his step-daughter's birthday is. This reminds me of how as fathers sometimes we get so involved in our careers, hobbies, etc. that we can let those things come before family. Were you thinking about the challenges of fatherhood when you created Patrick Bowers?
When I was creating Patrick Bowers character, I like the paradox of having someone who notices everything about a case but isn’t able to notice his own daughter. It isn’t that he doesn’t care about her, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to love her or be a parent for her. I think that in the book, both Patrick and Tessa want to be closer to each other but don’t know how to take the first step. By coming between them, the killer actually ends up bringing them closer together.

3. In The Pawn, Patrick Bowers is an expert on environmental criminology, a somewhat new and controversial method of solving crimes. How much research did you do in this field? Is this type of criminology used and accepted in the real world?
I spent nearly a year researching and writing The Pawn. The theories for environmental criminology have been around for decades but only recently have they been finding more widespread acceptance as computer technology has progressed so that they could actually be implemented. It’s fascinating. I consulted with the world’s leading geographic profiler and tried to only include accurate investigative information. He ended up giving me a great endorsement for the book.

4. You obviously did your homework for this novel. A major part of the plot revolves around the Jonestown Massacre. What sort of research and interviews did you do in your preparation? Did any interesting experiences come out of this?
To investigate the Jonestown massacre, I read transcripts of some of Jim Jones’ sermons, listened to interviews, watched video from the compound, and interviewed one of the three people still alive today who walked out of Jonestown and survived. That was the most fascinating interview I’ve ever done in my life. One of the most striking things for me was not how different the people who died there were from me, but rather how similar they were. They were people of dignity and worth even though they came to a tragic end.

5. How many Bowers Files novels will there be? When can we expect The Rook?
The Pawn is the first in a series of at least three novels featuring Patrick Bowers. The next novel follows Patrick on a complete new investigation involving a serial arsonist and killer. Lots of the characters from The Pawn appear in The Rook. The Rook is scheduled to release in the summer of 2008.

6. I noticed on your website that you have quite a diverse background: Youth pastor, museum educator, wilderness guide, professional storyteller. As a matter of fact, you even have a Masters of Arts in Storytelling! How have all of these experiences shaped you as a writer?
I guess in my heart of hearts I just love telling a good story. Over the years I’ve dabbled in different genres and I’m glad that I’ve landed in a place where I can write thrillers and tell complex, suspenseful stories that deal with the big questions of human nature and the paradox of good and evil.

7. In your writing do you plot extensively or do you let the story come to you as you write? What's a typical writing day like for Steven James?
I tend to be a pretty organic author, letting the story develop as I write. I know the broad strokes of where I want the story to go but as I get to know the characters and see the events unfold, I get a clearer idea of the details and direction of the story. I have no idea what a typical day is. Sometimes I write on the porch, in the basement, at coffee shops, in the car at traffic lights, in my daughters’ treehouse, on airplanes, in hotels, in bed, and on mountaintops.

8. Who are some authors who have inspired you in your writing?
As far as thrillers go, I like James Patterson, Dean Koontz, and Peter Blauner. I also enjoy reading Christian mysticism and philosophy. I think graphic novels are pretty cool too.

9. What advice can you give to aspiring novelists?
The biggest advice I can give to inspiring novelists is to continually make things worse for your protagonist. In every scene ask, “What else could go wrong?” Give them a both an internal struggle (a regret, a secret, a frustration, or an unrealized dream) and an external struggle.

One of the most powerful verses in the Bible

Every time I read this verse I'm humbled and amazed--to think that God would break out into song when he thinks of me.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

Sometimes I like to read those words and replace the "you" with "Steve." Then the hope and promise of the words becomes even more personal and powerful. Try it with your own name once. See how it affects the way you view yourself.

54 Secrets to Creativity for Writers and Other Desperate People

1. Pray. Walk in step with the Spirit (Galatians 5:25). God is creative, he is the creator of the heavens and the earth. The more you become like God, the more creative you’ll become.
2. Go to a new place. This helps spark new ways of thinking. Visit a park, a different restaurant, a coffee shop, stroll along the beach, go to a hotel for the night, or drive to a nearby town.
3. Change the type of media you’re exposed to.
4. Think in terms of connections and relationships rather than propositions and arguments.
5. Develop a controlling metaphor rather than a theme statement.
6. Keep going after you think you’re out of ideas. The best ideas often take the longest to discover.
7. Remove distractions. Clarity of thinking and concentration depend upon your ability to focus on one idea or concept.
8. Rotate the prism. Think about your problem, story, or idea from another perspective. Tell the story in first alligator. Alter the genre.
9. Change your comfort level. If you’re used to being comfortable, get uncomfortable. If you’re used to being uncomfortable, get comfortable.
10. Take a break. New discoveries often depend on your ability to be open to the ideas and inspiration that may pass your way unexpectedly. This is called serendipity
11. Believe in the process and trust your instincts. Writing is an act of faith.
12. Work in a different direction—either forward or backward.
13. Look at the project as a whole or in small parts.
14. Understand the paradox of freedom.
15. Go and play.
16. Feed your brain facts and ideas that you would never think of on your own. Research something unusual.
17. Spend some time with children and look at the world through their eyes.
18. Ask stupid questions.
19. Change your expectations. Begin believing that you will come up with new ideas, that you are capable of being creative and that you will finish your project. Stop telling yourself that you can’t do it.
20. Accept that not every idea is a good one, but that’s ok. Stop telling yourself that there’s only one way to do something or that there is a right way to do it. When you tell yourself those things you might actually start believing them! Failure is not fatal, giving up is.
21. Pay attention to the world. Begin noticing what your five senses are telling you.
22. Try something new, something that you’ve never done before.
23. Start over, but this time try approaching your idea in a new way.
24. Compare your idea to something else. Think about what makes your idea or your story unique.
25. Break the rules.
26. Ask other people what they think or how they might use the idea. Remember, you are not the expert on everything.
27. Become an expert and then approach your idea like a novice.
28. Set a deadline.
29. Enter your own personal black hole and see where it leads you. Usually it will lead you to view space in an entirely new way.
30. Define the problem.
31. Ask “What if?”
32. Organize yourself.
33. Un-organize yourself.
34. Show your character's attitude about a place, object or person.
35. Ask how someone you admire would solve this problem. Or someone you hate. Or are afraid of. Or are in love with.
36. Begin your story at a different place. Or end it at a different place. Or give it a different theme.
37. Give your characters a quirk and then think of what problems it might lead to.
38. Try to think of a way to visualize your abstract idea with something concrete.
39. Ask yourself, “What else could go wrong for this character? How could things get worse?” These questions will almost always lead you toward better plot ideas.
40. Change to a different image and see where that leads you. Explore how two ideas that appear to have nothing to do with each other have something to do with each other.
41. Start listening to your dreams.
42. Make your character do something naughty or unacceptable or shocking.
43. Give your character a secret.
44. Make yourself think of 20 different scenes that you can add to your stories that don’t seem to fit.
45. Make them fit.
46. Stop asking the same questions and address the problem in a new way. Instead of asking, “What should my plot be?” Ask what should my character’s goal be?” Or “How could I add a twist to my story?” “How could I make this story worse?” Or “Could I tell this story backward?” Or “Would this story be better on a different planet?” Or “What would be an impossible situation for someone to escape from?” And then “How will my character choose to escape and fail two times before stumbling upon the solution?”
47. Is your heart at peace? Your mind? Your body? Inner harmony helps you think and solve problems. (At least that’s what they say!)
48. Write while in an altered state – sleepy, dizzy, after having a glass of wine or 24 ounces of espresso.
49. Exercise. It helps you relax, relieves stress and gets your blood flowing, and helps you stay healthy. You are one unit, one living organism. If you have an unhealthy body, you will not have as unhealthy of a mind. Your brain is connected to your fat cells. Ew. Get your body in shape and you’ll get your brain in shape!
50. In one study, the researchers found that the two best ways of coming up with new ideas were (1) going on a walk and (2) taking a shower. So do them.
51. Get some solitude; isolate yourself. Rather than overwhelming your senses, starve them.
52. In her book, “Making a Good Writer Great,” Linda Seger suggests the following: Talk about the story, listen to mood music, surround yourself with unique fragrances, eat different food, time yourself, and or try extemporaneous writing.
53. Take a nap.
54. Wake up.

Spiritual insights from the ages

“He learned how to walk, stumbled and fell, cried for His milk, sweated blood in the night, was lashed with a whip and showered with spit, was fixed to a cross and died whispering forgiveness on us all.”
-- Brennan Manning, The Ragamuffin Gospel

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“If you want to be loathsome to God, just run with the herd.”
-- Soren Kierkegaard, philosopher

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“Without prayer, the constant traffic and opinions of people around us will swamp our inner lives and finally drown them.”
-- Johann Christoph Arnold, pastor and author

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“Nothing is so easy as to deceive one’s self; for what we wish we readily believe.”
-- Demosthenes, ancient Greek orator

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“Only that day dawns to which we are awake.”
-- Henry David Thoreau, philosopher, poet, and author

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“Ever keep in mind thine end, and that time lost returneth no more.”
--Thomas A. Kempis, The Imitation of Christ

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“Only the hand that erases can write the true thing.”
-- Meister Eckhart, mystic

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“You must stop examining spiritual truths like dry bones! You must break open the bones and take in the life-giving marrow.”
-- Sadhu Sundar Singh, Indian mystic in the early 1900s

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“Unless a definite step is demanded, the call vanishes into thin air, and if people imagine they can follow Jesus without taking this step, they are deluding themselves like fanatics. Although Peter cannot achieve his own conversion, he can leave his nets.”
--Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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“Anxiety is the secret wound of modern man.”
-- Helmut Thielicke, author and preacher in the 1940s

Some of the coolest places I've been

On top of the Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point Amusement Park, Sandusky, OH
Enjoying the singing and dancing of the children sponsored through Compassion International in Gautemala City, Gautemala
Visiting one of the poorest families in Almaty, Kazakhstan
Watching the seals cavort on the beaches of San Diego, CA
Sipping coffee at the Stumptown coffeeshop, Portland, OR
Building sand castles on the beaches of Destin, FL
Building snow caves in northern Wisconsin
Laughing my head off during the play Triple Espresso in San Diego, CA
Preaching at a leper's colony outside of Hyderabad, India
Swimming in the cool beaches of North Carolina
Getting stuck in a cave in southern Illinois
Honeymooning on a nameless peak in the remote mountains of Alaska
Standing beside a lava flow on a volcano in Hawaii
Scuba diving through a shipwreck in Lake Superior
Camping in the Sleeping Bear Dunes along the lakeshore in Michigan
Rock Climbing at Devil's Lake, WI
Canoeing in the Quetico wilderness, southern Canada
Eating supper with an Amish farm in Newton, KS
Hanging out in the treehouse with my daughters, here in Johnson City, TN
Mountain biking in Moab, UT
Hiking in Big Bend National Forest, Texas
Talking with the teenagers at a juvenile prison in Kiev, Ukraine
Backpacking in the Wind River Range, WY

Some Things That Annoy Me

People who use the Latin names for birds.
Dogs. Especially those little perky ones.
Grown men who wear velcro shoes.
Morning people.
When a restaurant has two doors to get in and they never unlock that one on the right. Whoever doesn't unlock that door annoys me.
The metric system.
Roadkill in winter.
People who say, "Whoa this stinks. Smell it."
Positive thinking.
Airplane pilots who try to joke about the relative humidity in Dallas.
Sychronized swimmers.
The word 'thespian.'
Men who name thier trucks "Alice."
Girls who wear shorts with words on the butt.
Reality shows that glamorize karaoke.
Handcrafted steaks (whatever those are.)
Loud cell phone talkers.
Ties.
Lake effect snow.
Sushi.
People who use camouflage flashlights.
Doctors who ask you what color your mucus is.

5 things I think'll be true about heaven

In heaven all your clothes will always fit. And you won’t have a closet full of clothes that you’re hanging hoping to one day squeeze into when you finally lose weight…
In heaven there will be two thermostats. One for the men. And one for the women…
In heaven there will be no diapers to change… no puberty… and no guys trying to date my daughters…
In heaven you won’t get in trouble for flushing the toilet while someone is trying to take a shower…
In heaven no cell phones will go off in the middle of the worship service.